A story about Z

Her name was Z

Her heir was fire

Her eyes my desire

I cried when she left me 

And I chased her across the Land

She left me in a whirlwind I still don't Understand

First Love.  First Kiss.  First Breakup. I met Z or as I called her after she left Texas Heather when I was 15 I believe in the mid 1990s.  Its hard to even say how we met.  It was on a chat app in the early days of the internet and computer chatting.  I remember her user name was DJ3Tempo because she was using her brothers account.  So chat continued. Me in Georgia her in Texas.  And somehow miles away two misfits connected.  We chatted, We wrote letters, sent gifts, talked on the phone until we fall asleep.  It was our weird little long distance storybook love.   She was the 1st person I felt ever loved me.  I wrote songs poems and was hooked on a girl I never met.  Somehow I convinced my parents to drive me to Texas. So we met in person.   We listened to Coltrane and she smelled of carmex lip gloss.  

I loved her. Our love continued.  Later on she moved to georgia.  We went to the same school and she lived with my parents and I for a short while.    It was not good.   I was not good. I didn't love myself and I couldn't be without her.   I had anger issues, depression, trauma and anxiety/.  She had trauma, depression, and other unkown mental instabilities. . We had Jesus.  She was manic, a narcissist and pure red.  We were in an on again off again relationship for about 8 years.  It ended badly.  I couldn't let go. I'll spare you the sleepless in seattle details.   

She always had a place in the back of my mind.   I still Loved her when i was with other people.  She wasn't good for me.   I wasn't good for her.   I was dreaming of the connection we had.  The walks on the beach, the jazz, the lip gloss.   Life's later I found her again.  I looked for her. I don't know why. I did.  I watched her online.  So we reconnected.  We talked about old times.  Said apologies.  We connected.  I'm not proud of it.  

I was in love with Rebecca.  It was during covid.  I don't still know why  let her back in.   But I did.  The week before Rebecca died me and Z talked on the phone for more than an hour. I think mor than once.  Rebecca was busy. I was lonely.    We laughed. I could feel her pull again.   The night Rebecca got sick I was chatting with Z. So instead of taking care of my wife I was entertaining Z.   I'm not sure if I told her or not. If I did I didn't tell her fully.   I was being drawn in.   I was not a good man.  I emotionally cheated on Rebecca with 2 women.   I let 2 other women give me something I didn't look for in her.  I told her they were friends.  But one was a love lost and the other was a love desired.  After Rebecca died I talked with Z.  I cried she told me a story.  She wanted to pull back.  I sent her an e-mail telling her I couldn't be friends with her.   I deleted it.  Its been 5 years since we have spoken.  She's still here.  In my mind.   I don't know what she did to me.  But It goes way back.  I don't understand why our love was so hard.  Why I couldn't let go. I didn't love myself.  I let her do anything.  She was ill.  I don't know the lesson to learn.  But Love is dicey.  The heart goes where it goes.   

But I have learned to not loose myself to anyone.   I no longer chase the best I can.  I love myself.  

So to Z.  I am grateful of our epic story.  I am thankful you loved me when I didn't think anyone else did.   No one but me and her know our story and like all best ones its better that way.

To Z.  One in a million.  Sweet on the vine like strawberry wine.