April Showers, Bring may flowers. Well it is raining. Not at the moment but in my life. I do not have a steady full time job, and I'm trying to figure out where to go from here. Last week I did some landscaping work, I enjoyed it. looking for work, feeling out of shape. Trying to get out of this slump....waiting for may flowers
Today.. Z posted a video about love. IT surprised me since its been at least 12 years since I've seen Z. She said you shouldn't get upset when people you were dating were happy with somebody else. She also talked about things happening for a reason. That was the basic of it. She looked good, even had earnings. She looked different, older, less shy, still curious and intriging.
The Story of Z
I guess its time to tell the story of Z. Its long and complicated. Its heartfelt, and tear-some. I don't even want to tell it, because its my story. Its the one story, that has impacted me most. So its time to tell some of it.
Strawberry Wine
Like strawberry wine and seventeen
The hot July moon saw everything
My first taste of love, oh bittersweet
The green on the vine
Like strawberry wine
Basically Me and Z met on an online chat room in a service called wow in 96 I thimk . Her in the West, I in GA, She was using her brothers username. I remember it but not mine. There was a connection there, we talked on the phone and began writing letters. We used to fall asleep on the phone, and get in trouble for long distance phone bills. We shared everything in the letters, the good, the bad and the ugly. We were very honest with each other. I began to fall in love with a girl I had never met. I wrote love songs about our distant love. Every sad song about far apart love was written for us. Z was with me daily.
Somehow, in the summer about a year later my parents drove the family out west, I met Z for the 1st time. I was very happy and we connected very well. A few days to museums, and zoos, and sneaking kisses and hand holdings. We listened to Jazz, talked about God. Went for walks. Tears were shed, songs were sung. I was in love and when I left Z. I cried, a lot.
Titanic
Years moved by and Z moved to my college, Daily life, in college, Was not as easy as it should have been. The love of my life was extremely difficult. I did not cope well. I was obsessed. I realize now I did not know how to be in a relationship. Z had problems, That I couldn't deal with. I tried to give everything. But It seemed it was never the right thing. Our love was sinking, like the titanic we loved. But I think mainly it was the college, we left for brunswick, tattered but comitted,
Goats,
Z moved into an apartment with a horse and some Goats. Daily life, came in. Things were not good. Not sure why, just not good. We fighted a lot. She was depressed, i wasn't who i needed to be. I couldn't let Go and Z was pushing me apart. When I tried to go, she held tight. It was a cycle of extreme mess. This is the time when she started to slip away. I figured it was better to be near her than away from her. I let her slip away, as I stood by.
Downtown.
The apartment downtown, i feel was a good time. But MK was in the picture. I was her ear, she complained to me about MK. I was in the friend zone with the love of my life. I kept thinking we would return, like every great love song We would sing songs, and cook meals and have a good time. But the love had slipped. Z decided to move to TN> She didn't like her place, and seemed much like a rambler wanting to move. I was happy staying around. Z moved to TN with MK. I cried as she left.
She was gone, and I was moved to SB b4 I knew it. I still talked to Z on the phone. She wold call me crying, lying, basically using me for attention and love. I still had love for her. She moved to Indiana. not too much longer. Somehow I felt the need to go see her. She wanted me to come. So I drove to Indiana. I wanted the love to return. It didn't She said no, I returned to GA in peace.
During that time I met HW. And our story began. I stopped talking to Z. She lives in texas now, again
Lessons of love:
You are important, love is sacred, if you love somebody and it doesn't return, than you have to decide not to pour your heart out. You can't be unequal. I can't love you totally and you ignore me. Lovers shouldn't have screaming matches. If your screaming, check yourself or both into counseling. I am lovable. I don't have to settle for anything that is harmful to me.
I loved Z. Very much, We have a strorybook past, I have scenes of Beaches, Caynons, Jazz, and moere. It ended badly. I'm ok with that. I have leaned from it. She was my 1 love and my music muse. HW gave me something amazingly awesome and we had a great journey together,,,Now me and becc are growing very close and I love her.
I pray for the loves lost and in the past. Each one I have learned and grown from.
peace JM
