Holding onto a breath
Finding it hasn't been breathed yet
Searching for an idea of Harmony
Yet only finding chaos
The thumping of this lounge is ruining my soul
As if the music itself is stabbing me one moron at a time. I must find an exit. I must seek an escape I cannot stay I must go
Then the bitter herbs remind me of the complexity of life
Sweet and bitter make sour
Find the sour and you will see
One time before covid times me and Rebecca went out downtown to SAV to visit a few of our favorite local spots to have a few good drinks.. A lot of ppl don't know that Rebecca could hold her own when it came to drinking. She always seemed to enjoy a good drink but never had a problem with it taking over.. anyway. ....The Budweiser story.
So after visiting a few spots and enjoying our time together we decided to go down the steps to pour Larry's I believe.. They had this front bar which we sat at. So, as we sat Rebecca pops in and said . Let me get a Budweiser.. I'm thinking what...why.. it's so bad ( least favorite beer). I don't remember her ever drinking the king of beers.. so I said ok. And we got two. She then seems to enjoy it and told me "that's a good beer". We laughed and enjoyed our night and took a ride share home safely....
Every once in a while I would pick up a red can for her and say hey here you go that's a good beer..
Rebecca was able to be who she was most of the time. Be it drinking a Bud or going to a prayer retreat.. She was confident in who she was, take it our leave it. I tried my best to let her be who she wanted to be. She helped me become the man who I am and be confident with paddling my own canoe
It's been almost 2 years since she left me. I'm more and more the man who she helped me want to become and I love and honor her today as I drink a good beer ✌️🐸
"It's a wonderful time to be barely alive".. I just heard that statement and and it makes sense to me.
One one hand Everything is changing quickly and there is what seems more opportunity and information for more self actualization then ever before..
On the other hand the world seems to be a dumpster fire for instance one of the oldest Christian churches St. Porphyrius's ( AD425) was destroyed in the Israel Hamas war .
My overthinking and feeling brain just cant seem to grasp the zeros and ones of it all. So I just keep on in this manic way, looking for a state change, exploring the darkness and looking for the light.
And that's why when ppl ask me if I'm ok I just grin and think..."if" what??. I really can't even get past the if of that question anymore
If I didn't know what to do I wonder would that be easier.. is ignorance bliss? Not sure, I've havent been there in ages..I've been in this eye of a hurricane plenty of times.. so I will let it pass ❣️
I never called her Becca but plenty did. It was always Rebecca to me. I think that sums up who and what she was for me and who and what I was for her. She was my lifesaverz in a sea of life. Our Relationship started like it ended. One moment before and One moment after. We met on a dating app and had our 1st IP meeting at Abes on Lincoln. I'm still not really sure what she saw in me. I was barely working by the outlooks I didn't really have it all together. She had a house and a good job and a solid church life. She had it together. But with her it was easy. Fun and enjoyment was first on our list. To give you an idea our second date was for Trivia. Our team name was waiting for someone, she picked it since I got there 2nd. We won btw. She was probably the smartest person I knew. But I also liked to tell her she was the smartest person in a village of idots, due to her growing up in Hardeeville which wasn't known for their intellect.
Our humor was dark and twisty, love and extravagant. She opened me up to happy living and sucess.
I knew the day I met with H to go over papers for my divorce finally I was going to marry Rebecca. it took sometime for that to happen. I don't know what I was waiting for. But she stayed by my side through hard times, fun times and interesting times. Ealy in 2018 She told me she was getting married in October. ( with or without me) She pulled me along and we began the second Chapter of our life. Our Dating life was fun, passionate, and a growing time for me. She was my rock and I was her muse. I allowed her to show her real side. I gave her Selah, I provided her love.
Have you Ever missed the Bus in the rain, But it made you laugh to spend time with her Again
Rebecca had a smile that would light up the room. She was a doer, and a helper. She helped me. I was not easy for her. I do feel like I Failed her a lot. In 2021 everything was changing from covid to Tods Death, to her death in the fall of 2021
Wash Rinse Repeat
I lost my rock, my joy, my heart, my friend, my wife, my lover, my guide, my Rebecca.
There are moments when the veil is thin and I feel her Lime Green presence of Joy. I remember when she found me at my lowest, celebrated my victories, and provided me love.
I miss her. I miss taking about nerdy stuff, online memes, and complicated things. I miss her jokes and her spirit.
But she left me better than she found me. I find her in surpassing places. I see her in the wind. I feel her in a good meal or a soft sunset. And I strive to be the man who she thought I was.
