Blue Eyes Crying in the rain

With the kindness of a sledgehammer, you came into my view

I didn't know what to think of you but I did have a clue.

This person, we'll call her the one that never was, came like a hurricane, occupied my mind, crushed my heart and left me wanting more. 

Here's the thing about narcissists, when you are in their orbit it's bliss.  But the distance is crushing.  Its always on their terms.  Yes I fell for her, yes she was far away, yes I lied to her. I was wrong I'm sorry and I love you.   I still do. Not romantically, but the type of love you have for  a place you once were at.  I don't really know why she occupied so much of my mind space or  why she left me wanting more then a hey or distant conversations.  It was just something about that face. She was messy, opinionated, and pure red.  But something about those puppy dog blue eyes crying in the rain. It started innocent and I fell hard.  I had no intentions but I remember when we were friends. When the grief came i fell harder, and then before I knew she was gone. A lie broke her heart while she was breaking mine.  I'm sorry. I should have told her the truth. I wrote a song about her I'm working on releasing.   I learned a lot about myself from her driving me insane.  There still is a piece of her in my mind and heart. Not sure exactly why. I'm still processing it.  I haven't seen her in over 2 years.  Just something.   It is what it was.  I am not sure.  This person has left me with lots of confusion. I see the red flags and I for a long time wanted more.  I learned that empaths occupy and encourage and entertain narcissists.  She was one.  I don't hate her. I just want her beyond obsession.  I would have left everything for her.  I didn't.  She rejected me over and over and I finally got the gist.  I am moving foward 

a bump in the road, a moment of weakness, a sorrowful heart wanting attention. Yes.  I will no longer chase. I will no longer fret continually. I will learn from mistakes and try my best not to get wrapped up again with the one that never was.

peace

JM

The power to captivate

 Have u ever experienced a speaker who can captivate? Someone who can hold an audience... People with certain energies have learned the ability to basically hypnotize the audience..

They can put the crowd in a trance...They can ride them and fall them..

I experienced this today hearing a RC Bishop speak at a high church service..

I disassociated and became an overseer outside myself to watch this dance occur.  It was captivating.. he could have took them anywhere 

Sometimes energy and Spirit places me in awe... Seeing this was an awefilled experience 

✌️🐸 Jmc

B&B

 Holding onto a breath

Finding it hasn't been breathed yet

Searching for an idea of Harmony

Yet only finding chaos

The thumping of this lounge is ruining my soul

As if the music itself is stabbing me one moron at a time. I must find an exit. I must seek an escape I cannot stay I must go

Then the bitter herbs remind me of the complexity of life

Sweet and  bitter make sour

Find the sour and you will see

It's a good beer

 

One time before covid times me and Rebecca went out downtown to SAV to visit a few of our favorite local spots to have a few good drinks..  A lot of ppl don't know that Rebecca could hold her own when it came to drinking.  She always seemed to enjoy a good drink but never had a problem with it taking over.. anyway. ....The Budweiser story.

So after visiting a few spots and enjoying our time together we decided to go down the steps to pour Larry's I believe.. They had this front bar which we sat at.  So, as we sat Rebecca pops in and said . Let me get a Budweiser.. I'm thinking what...why.. it's so bad ( least favorite beer). I don't remember her ever drinking the king of beers.. so I said ok. And we got two.  She then seems to enjoy it and told me "that's a good beer". We laughed and enjoyed our night and took a ride share home safely....

Every once in a while I would pick up a red can for her and say hey here you go that's a good beer.. 

Rebecca was able to be who she was most of the time. Be it drinking a Bud or going to a prayer retreat.. She was confident in who she was, take it our leave it. I tried my best to let her be who she wanted to be. She helped me become the man who I am and be confident with paddling my own canoe

It's been almost 2 years since she left me. I'm more and more the man who she helped me want to become and I love and honor her today as I drink a good beer ✌️🐸

Up down and around

 "It's a wonderful time to be barely alive".. I just heard that statement and and it makes sense to me. 

One one hand Everything is changing quickly and there is what seems more opportunity and information for more self actualization then ever before..

On  the other hand  the world seems to be a dumpster fire for instance  one of the oldest Christian churches  St. Porphyrius's ( AD425)  was destroyed in the Israel Hamas war . 

My overthinking and feeling brain just cant seem to grasp the zeros and ones of it all.   So I just keep on in this manic way, looking for a state change, exploring the darkness and looking for the light.

And that's why when ppl ask me if I'm ok I just grin and think..."if" what??.  I really can't even get past the if of that question anymore

If I didn't know what to do I wonder would that be easier.. is ignorance bliss? Not sure, I've havent been there in ages..I've been in this eye of a hurricane plenty of times.. so I will let it pass ❣️