Holding onto a breath
Finding it hasn't been breathed yet
Searching for an idea of Harmony
Yet only finding chaos
The thumping of this lounge is ruining my soul
As if the music itself is stabbing me one moron at a time. I must find an exit. I must seek an escape I cannot stay I must go
Then the bitter herbs remind me of the complexity of life
Sweet and bitter make sour
Find the sour and you will see
One time before covid times me and Rebecca went out downtown to SAV to visit a few of our favorite local spots to have a few good drinks.. A lot of ppl don't know that Rebecca could hold her own when it came to drinking. She always seemed to enjoy a good drink but never had a problem with it taking over.. anyway. ....The Budweiser story.
So after visiting a few spots and enjoying our time together we decided to go down the steps to pour Larry's I believe.. They had this front bar which we sat at. So, as we sat Rebecca pops in and said . Let me get a Budweiser.. I'm thinking what...why.. it's so bad ( least favorite beer). I don't remember her ever drinking the king of beers.. so I said ok. And we got two. She then seems to enjoy it and told me "that's a good beer". We laughed and enjoyed our night and took a ride share home safely....
Every once in a while I would pick up a red can for her and say hey here you go that's a good beer..
Rebecca was able to be who she was most of the time. Be it drinking a Bud or going to a prayer retreat.. She was confident in who she was, take it our leave it. I tried my best to let her be who she wanted to be. She helped me become the man who I am and be confident with paddling my own canoe
It's been almost 2 years since she left me. I'm more and more the man who she helped me want to become and I love and honor her today as I drink a good beer ✌️🐸
"It's a wonderful time to be barely alive".. I just heard that statement and and it makes sense to me.
One one hand Everything is changing quickly and there is what seems more opportunity and information for more self actualization then ever before..
On the other hand the world seems to be a dumpster fire for instance one of the oldest Christian churches St. Porphyrius's ( AD425) was destroyed in the Israel Hamas war .
My overthinking and feeling brain just cant seem to grasp the zeros and ones of it all. So I just keep on in this manic way, looking for a state change, exploring the darkness and looking for the light.
And that's why when ppl ask me if I'm ok I just grin and think..."if" what??. I really can't even get past the if of that question anymore
If I didn't know what to do I wonder would that be easier.. is ignorance bliss? Not sure, I've havent been there in ages..I've been in this eye of a hurricane plenty of times.. so I will let it pass ❣️
I never called her Becca but plenty did. It was always Rebecca to me. I think that sums up who and what she was for me and who and what I was for her. She was my lifesaverz in a sea of life. Our Relationship started like it ended. One moment before and One moment after. We met on a dating app and had our 1st IP meeting at Abes on Lincoln. I'm still not really sure what she saw in me. I was barely working by the outlooks I didn't really have it all together. She had a house and a good job and a solid church life. She had it together. But with her it was easy. Fun and enjoyment was first on our list. To give you an idea our second date was for Trivia. Our team name was waiting for someone, she picked it since I got there 2nd. We won btw. She was probably the smartest person I knew. But I also liked to tell her she was the smartest person in a village of idots, due to her growing up in Hardeeville which wasn't known for their intellect.
Our humor was dark and twisty, love and extravagant. She opened me up to happy living and sucess.
I knew the day I met with H to go over papers for my divorce finally I was going to marry Rebecca. it took sometime for that to happen. I don't know what I was waiting for. But she stayed by my side through hard times, fun times and interesting times. Ealy in 2018 She told me she was getting married in October. ( with or without me) She pulled me along and we began the second Chapter of our life. Our Dating life was fun, passionate, and a growing time for me. She was my rock and I was her muse. I allowed her to show her real side. I gave her Selah, I provided her love.
Have you Ever missed the Bus in the rain, But it made you laugh to spend time with her Again
Rebecca had a smile that would light up the room. She was a doer, and a helper. She helped me. I was not easy for her. I do feel like I Failed her a lot. In 2021 everything was changing from covid to Tods Death, to her death in the fall of 2021
Wash Rinse Repeat
I lost my rock, my joy, my heart, my friend, my wife, my lover, my guide, my Rebecca.
There are moments when the veil is thin and I feel her Lime Green presence of Joy. I remember when she found me at my lowest, celebrated my victories, and provided me love.
I miss her. I miss taking about nerdy stuff, online memes, and complicated things. I miss her jokes and her spirit.
But she left me better than she found me. I find her in surpassing places. I see her in the wind. I feel her in a good meal or a soft sunset. And I strive to be the man who she thought I was.
My last post was Aug 2019. It only seems like a breath away, but a lot has changed. A lot has changed, I'll say it again, A LOT HAS CHANGED.
In December of 2019 a mutated SARS virus known as SARS-CoV-2 aka the Coronavirus or Covid-19 was first seen in Wuhan, China. A small Far away town in a far away land would change the world forever. 2 Years ago this month
I don't know what can be said about the virus. But I think its important to document some of this. I have had at least 5 friends/ Family members die from complications after contracting covid. I have had multiple friends and family infected, compromised, sick, quarantined and saw, felt and witnessed a general worriedness / funk / rage develop across the land.
I am going to try to re-cap some of the past events meanwhile looking forward to the future.
I myself never got sick, never was quarantined, Never stopped working. I am vaccinated. Covid is still here, So am I.
Here's the thing as my kid would say. I saw it coming. I felt it coming. I had no idea what was coming. In 2019 I was deep into developing certain spiritualisms. This actually stared in 2017 I'd say. That was a very transitionary year. I was in film school trying to start a new career This was the year I found out I had extreme sleep apnea. This was the year I met Dave and Russ. Most importantly I started doing breath work. Breathing exercises took my meditation time to a new place. I begun to meet new people that introduced me into new practices, such as Reiki, Access Bars, Acupuncture, etc.
I had been meditating inconsistently for the last 20+ Years. Sometimes a lot sometimes never. In the end of 2017/2018 I started treatments for extreme sleep apnea. Within a short time my treatments began working. In 2018 I was engaged and married to Rebecca and we began our new life together. FFWD 2019. After my last drop in. I started feeling more dred in quiet times. I started visualizing more destruction and disruption. I started feeling in soul something was coming. I started buying supplies. I didn't not understand fully but I felt in my core something bad was coming. This was more than anxiety or fear. This was seeing things (in my minds eye) that I know now was dread to come.
Back to the spiritualisms. This development and discover included things such as Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP is a psychological approach) . Hypnosis, Color/ chakra theory, Meditation, Studying Taoism, Darkness Therapy, and Psychedelics. I also was committed to my church, prayed regularly, and interceded a lot. As my Spiritualism got deeper my love for Rebecca became stronger.
I realized this. Rebecca allowed me to dig into these areas. She supported my investigations to the weird and wild world of New/Old age of thinking and practices . She entertained, as I call them my "fruit loops". Our dinner table became a gathering place for friends. She also was along with me on this journey. If it wasn't for her I would have not found what I did... So,, Lets go back....
By march of 2020 Covid had come to the good ole USA and lockdowns were beginning mainly in WA and NY. The south for the early days was unimpacted. The rest as they say is history. In December of 2020 my father in law Tod Woods contracted Covid and died in the hospital
On December 12th 2021 my life changed forever. My Wife Rebecca had a medical emergency and died in the hospital on 12-13-21 She was only 40. We had just celebrated our 3 year anniversary with a trip to New York city. Like I said, a lot has happened.
So now we are here 2 years 4 months later. I have done most of my writing on a discord server. I am going to try and put some of those here. I do not know what the future holds. I am not for sure that the dred I saw in 2019 was Covid and Tod and Rebecca's Death. (there could be more). The wounds are fresh. I was healed, I am healed, and I am being Healed. The last 2 years have had many transformations. I've joined a tribe (DW discord). I was a happily married man with an amazing wife and now I am a widower. Dave moved away, and were still close. Rus is on another path and were not close. I am a new creation. I really like myself. I'm ok with myself. I know I need to better myself. My spirit animal is a Frog. I am an internalizer and an Enneagram 9. I know more about my self than ever before.
Peace JM
