Goodbye

When I was dating a girl who lived far a way we tried to never say goodbye.  It felt for me as a young person in love that we were saying its over and I'm never going to see you again.  When a relationship changes goodbyes are hard.  I have basically been in 2 relationships.   Both ended badly.  But as time goes on the process continues.   So this is my goodbye letter to my wife.  Its time to say goodbye.

I have been living by myself for over 7 months now.

Goodbye my Beloved.

Goodbye to my friend.  Our relationship began with conversations.  Talks late at night, laughter and impromptu meetings in the park or walks around campus.  We became friends.   When something good happened I wanted to tell her.   When I had a dollar for coffee she was invited.  From gatherings to outings to trips around town.  Our friendship was strong. I no longer have her as my friend.

When I decided to become exclusive with her I knew that I loved her without a doubt.

Goodbye to exclusivity.   She was mine and I was her.  We did everything together.  We were a pair. We were happy at that time. Goodbye to having somebody to live life with.   Goodbye to scavenger hunts and trips to the melting pot

Goodbye to marriage.  A life with a companion and feeling that You would have somebody to the end is a rare thing.   Not all are granted this blessing.

Goodbye to my wife. A wife is a needful helper, a cheer leader, an encouraging force and A co-pilot. I no longer have a wife

Goodbye to the family.  Being accepted into a new family is a great thing.  You learn how to be around a whole set of new people.  You are part of the family and that makes you part of something better.  Family vacations, dinners, naps on the couch. Goodbye to the family.  I miss you.

Goodbye to pc church.  I joined the PCC, married into it, baptized, became a deacon. and became part of it. I was full in.   I was accepted into a new family and was part of something better.   I can no longer be a part of that. I miss my brothers and sisters and elders of PCC.

Goodbye to love.   I cannot tell you what makes somebody love somebody else.  Its a combination of a million little things.   I loved my wife.  I no longer love my wife.  Goodbye to love

Goodbye to daughters,  and the joy of family.  I will never be the same to my daughter.  I will not be able to raise her in union anymore. I will always be a father but I will also always be something else.   I no longer have the joy of having a family with my wife and daughter.  I love my daughter.  I am learning the new motions of being a separated dad.

Goodbye to identity.  I was her husband.  That was who I was. I am no longer that.

Goodbye to being in a relationship.  Single is a scary word.  I think before I met her I was single for at least 4 years.  I don't know how to date or attract women. Its something I want but Its not an overwhelming drive in me.

Goodbye my beloved.

JM

1st john 4: 8,16  "The person who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 16 And we have come to know and to believe the love that God has in us. God is love, and the one who resides in love resides in God, and God resides in him." 










 

The Noah Discussion

Version 1 so since a lot are chiming in. Here is my thoughts on the Noah Film. As A film I really liked it. It wrapped you in as any great action movie with heart would. As the spiritual side I liked the humanity of noah, the inspiration of something better to come, how they told the creation story, As far as the controversies We don't hear Noah speak till after the flood. I'm sure he spoke plenty during the 20-40 years it took him to build the ark. The In between story is for the imagination. I'm Not sure why they didn't include wives on the ark. I don't know why they didn't include a literal voice of God. Artistic license. Nobody knows what the Nephilim looked like. If I was to tell the story of noah to my child I could read the scripture, or tell the story from heart and add details as all great story tellers do. Its not a biblical documentary its a story about faith and love and the creator and the good and bad and in between.

Version 2 
I would say those with great faith have have great moments of no faith.  see psalm 13:1 "how long o lord will you forget me"   I think Noah was a great movie of Faith.  As far as the critics go... We don't hear from Noah in the text until after the flood. So Any movie would have to be silent for the main part to adhere to the text.  Also We have no idea what the nephilim looked like.   Maybe they were rock monsters. idk.  I think the movie was visually awesome, story telling awesome, acting awesome.  yes I liked it.  I see it as a retelling story of a bible story.  It wasn't a biblical documentary.   Did Michelangelo see the angels and the last supper? No. He presented his vision of heaven and God in his art.  The church needs to put forth great art.  Judge on the art, not the label it is given by those in powerful positions.

Praying a fleece

Have you ever prayed a Fleece?   I had a spiritual decision to make recently.  I found the  answer I was looking for.  My bible reading  during this time turned to The Story of Gideon in Judges 6. Israel was in bondage to the Midianites because they did "evil in the sight of the Lord". (Judged 6:1).  Then they cried out to the lord.  The Lord came to Gideon and told him what he was going to do. Gideon asked him for a sign. I love the humanity of this.  Its as if Gideon was saying I hear you, but I need some proof...   So then the Angel of the Lord made fire come out of a rock.  (proof).   Gideon then says OK God if your going to save my people I need some more proof.  He put out a fleece and asked God to show him.  One day the fleece was wet and the ground was dry and the next day the fleece was dry and the ground was wet.  Afterwards The Lord took 300 of the faithful and defeated the 135,000 Midianite troops.  I especially liked the part where the enemy starting fighting among themselves.

So for me praying a fleece can be confusing, I don't really understand it. Figuring out the specific will of God is not an easy thing.  God was silent between the OT and NT for 400 years.  God knows how to be quiet. yet we want our answer now.  Trusting God will answer his word of "ask and you shall receive" (Mat 7:7) for me is about being risky in The Holy Spirit.  Sometimes that answer will be totally unexpected. Sometime you will not get an answer, then 5 years later you realized you had your answer.  On Sunday when Ernie talked about us not being risky in the Holy spirit, I agreed.   The hardest part about walking on water is getting out of the boat.     God our Father wants to help us, sometimes we just have to ask.

response from PC>

• that is a tough situation. Do you think that it is possible that God has called you to be there for a season. You are mature enough in your faith to eat the meat and spit out the bones. While it is best to align with those who believe most like us, the fact is your positions agree on much more than they disagree. I would encourage you to consider staying there for 3 more months, and if it continues to become a stumbling block then consider a change, but if you are growing, then it is possible that God would want to lead you to stay there for a season.

  It could be like a child getting older, you have to tell a child what they can and cannot eat when they are young, but then there is a time when they can make choices as to what they put in their mouth.

  I am not saying God wants you to stay, I am just saying, that He may not want you to leave just because you don't agree on the definition of Sovereignty.

Thoughts today 

After talking to a mentor he encouraged me to stay for a season. And reminded me that I could eat the meat and spit out the bones. Then today the spirit impressed on me in a vision. in the last 2 years I could not breathe. I was out of breath. I could not take risks and walk in the spirit. I could barely breathe in and out. This begun when I lost my job, my house, my dignity, I lost my wife, my direction also. I lost a lot, and I could not, do. So the holy spirit was carrying me in my valley. I didn't die. I didn't run into a cave and not return, unknowingly I let him carry me. The vision today was that it is time to walk. My heart has been healed and I can breathe deep today. I don't feel like I am choking to death anymore. I have lots of room for improvement But the Lord and I are walking more daily. The road out of the valley is beginning. And it feels Good as heck to be able to get some Breath in this dry body. Dennis on day we will meet again when the time is right. Keep up the good fight. Thank you for your encouragement. Press on my brother.

Letter to P(astor)C. 

"We haven't spoken in a while. I know this.  But I think a lot about how the lord used your teaching and friendship during the time I was in Brunswick. I miss you guys.   I keep telling myself I'm going to visit when I'm in Brunswick  but haven't.   So here a delima that I am having.  I started going to a church called EV last November. 

I have begun to love this church emotionally, personally, and more. I have friends there and they are doing great things. But... I disagree with their doctrine.  Their leadership and theology is Reformed. In the day to day preaching and life it hasn't been an issue.  I feel like its a principle for me and I can't get around it.  I'm Unsure what to do.   I knew it from the start, but I went to a lecture about their beliefs and  since then is when the pain in my stomach started.  I'm feeling like I need to go somewhere else.   Emotionally this stinks b/c I have gotten to know them and doing life with them.    Suggestions?"  

If you tell me that Jesus in an ancient history Dammed people to hell. I tell you John 3:16, that God loved the world. 

II Peter 3:9: "The Lord is not slow to fulfill His promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance."


If you tell me that Man does not have free will. 

I'll tell you 
Deuteronomy 30:19 
This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live

Needless to say. The Reformers have plenty of scripture to quote in their defense.  They have spent many hours studying to prove their point.

In my gut as a child of God this Doctrine of dual predestination feels wrong.   I have biblical support to back my view.  Others think they do also.  So we peacefully disagree.  I don't doubt the salvation of my Reformed brothers. I doubt their interpretation of the Scriptures just as I do many others.   

God can do what he wants to do. He did harden Pharaohs Heart.   

"What we do see is Jesus, who was given a position "a little lower than the angels"; and because he suffered death for us, he is now "crowned with glory and honor." Yes, by God's grace, Jesus tasted death for everyone.  Hebrews 2:9"

God had his chosen people in the OT.  Israel.  (the people of God).  But then Jesus came and died for all and Gentiles (non jews) were accepted into the family.   

So I can not defend this with lots of books, or big words. At this moment. I cannot support A dual election.   Dual election is saying God called elect and dammed others to hell.   

Thanks
Jason_M. 

Lent is one of the oldest observations on the Christian calendar. Like all Christian holy days and holidays, it has changed over the years, but its purpose has always been the same: self-examination and penitence, demonstrated by self-denial, in preparation for Easter.

Lent is the 40 days before Easter excluding Sundays.  

So lent begins tomorrow and I feel led once again to have a time of sacrifice and service and increased study of the Lord.   

I believe Alcohol has clouded my judgement many days in the past. So I have decided to not consume any alcohol during lent.  

Also a time of fasting is due.  Partially and fully.  I fell led to have a fast day every week. Likely on Wednesday.  Full fast no food. I have fasted before. And I do believe as the bible says it is important. 

2 Chronicles 7:14

New International Version (NIV)

14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

And the tempter came and said to Him, "If You are the Son of God, command that these stones become bread." 4But He answered and said, "It is written, 'MAN SHALL NOT LIVE ON BREAD ALONE, BUT ON EVERY WORD THAT PROCEEDS OUT OF THE MOUTH OF GOD.'"   Matthew 4:3

I will have a Daniel type fast on Friday,  No meat (fish only) no sweets.  This will re-connect me to my catholic tradition.  The Holy days Are  Ash Wednesday, Maundy Thursday, and Good friday, and Easter Sunday.  These will be set apart days to come.  

So those are the things I am taking away.  Here are the things I am wanting to add to.

Increased Biblical Reading/ and study 

Meditation

Prayer
Volunteering in the community. 

Its a tall order. But I feel an urge from the lord, and it was confirmed last Thursday.   I know it wan't be easy. I have a problem with keeping commitments.   But I know I have done this before and I can do it again.    Consecration isn't fun.  But cutting off the old for arrival of the new is necessary.   

JM

Sacrifice

years ago 4 I think. I was on stage at the Pembroke christian church singing and playing Hallelujah What A Savior, it was a time of strength in faith. When that song was played today it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I think about the times since then with the valleys and dross I have been through and how grace has kept me even when i ran from it. If It wasn't for Jesus I wouldn't be with you now.  I was overwhelmed.  Sometimes the spirit is so heavy it hurts. That's how I left the service today I was in pain I could barely speak. I'm ok now.. Pruning in faith (which I think I am in now) hurts but is necessary, so as a continuation of this journey I feel led to have a season of sacrifice and consecration during the lent season which is approaching.   The lord has something to teach me and so I think a return to spiritual discipline is due.  please be in prayer with me as this time begins.   following through is definitely an area in need of improvement. But I do feel like this is a nudge from the lord.  "Write down this message!  (net) Habakkuk 2:2".  thanks JM

http://vimeo.com/49131041

"Everything is gonna change"
"Nothing is gonna stay the same"

A lot has changed lately. Transitions are occurring.   I haven't felt the need to blog in forever.  I have a second part time at Maggies Pizza.  Gus And Eva are really nice.  G Daddy's is no more.  The cool breeze is coming.  Exciting times await.

I Was Wrong, I'm Sorry & I Love You 
Music and Lyrics by Derek Webb
© 2013 Derek Webb

It's been twenty years since I rose and cleared my throat
It's been ten years since I stood outside the church
It's been nine years since the ground became the sky 
It's been eight years since I found an alibi 
It's been six years since the dogs picked up the game 
It's been four years since I've learned to love the pain 
It's been one year since I stole life from the grave 
and over all thees years just three things I've tried to say 

I was wrong, sorry and I love you 
I was wrong, sorry and I love you 
I was wrong, sorry and I love you 
I love you 

I welcome everyone give nothing when they arrive 
And lets build a house with no way to come inside 
I've learned to hide my tears and to hold them deep inside 
and then sell my fears just to pick your pockets dry 

and I was wrong, sorry and I love you 
I was wrong, sorry and I love you 
I was wrong, sorry and I love you 

I have mislead you 
I have misread you 
I've cared to much and not enough in the same breath 
You've been my hope my stretch of rope in life and death 

and I was wrong, I'm sorry and I love you 
I was wrong, I'm sorry and I love you 
I was wrong, I'm Sorry and I love you 
I love you 
I love you I love you

© 2013 Derek Webb

When I hear Coldplay.  (its on pandora)  I remember the old apartment on 210 Lanier Drive in Statesboro.  Those tunes were the soundtrack of that season.   Its been a long journey since I came to Statesboro on a snowy January day way back when.   I don't know how many friends and family I've met and joined with.  But I cherish them all.  As I've been cleaning house on this quiet Saturday I've become introspective.  Times are hard.  Yet the best is to come.  I've had my coffee.  I don't know where i'm going.  I'm working part time.  I'm trying to find full time work. My Daughter turns 2 in a few weeks.  My wife is starting a new position at the store.   I'm in desperate need of full time work so I can support us all.  Separation looms.  Maybe a new season is around the corner.  But the past year I've been in limbo.   Things are messed up. I'm not sure how I got to this place.   I still have hope and faith.  I will carry on.  

I love the marsh

Everyone once in a while people ask me.  Why do you like living here?  (Savannah).  For me it has to be the marsh.  It has this strange quality.   When we lived at the old house, during a summer high tide  water came up to the back porch.  We got our neighbors boat and floated around the flooded marsh. One of the best pictures I ever made is hanging above my sisters couch of the marsh.  It was a sanctuary when my grandfather had his 1st stroke.  It was our kingdom and playground. Now its one of my inspirations.  I remember talking marsh walks and watching fiddler crabs and eating sea cucumbers   There was the time JP got stranded on the island or when penny would disappear into the grass.     If you Google earth you can see a fading aspect of the trails we made.   needless to say we have a history.  When i drive by the marsh the and see a puddle or a trail it makes me want to jump out of my car and see where it goes.   When I smell the marsh when the tide is low it can't be expressed the memories that return.   When the cousins get a little older  .   Maybe I can lead them on a marsh trek.   People express their love for the beach.  I like the beach but I love the marsh.   So that's why I live here.  I'm coastal Georgian 

I hate you. You hate me.

Racism is as old as time: From numbers 12.   Miriam and Aaron began to talk against Moses because of his Cushite wife (most agree she was from Ethiopia).  The lord came down and called out Miriam and Aaron.   Then Miriam was given leprosy.  Moses being a humble man asked God to heal her.  And he did after 7 days....  Various groups of people have used their banner of faith to promote racism.  Slavery in many cultures was believed to be a divine right.  Many foreign people were massacred as "Godless Heathens"

 As a child we were taught that we all are all sons of Abraham.  (i am one of them and so are you).  If more people remembered what they learned as a child, we would live in a better world.  

When I hear a person of professed faith use use a racial slurs it boils my blood.  The ignorance needs to be addressed in the church today.  We are segregated.  I put part of the blame on the Religious Right, The Southern baptist convention, and other groups that have dug their heels in.  These heel diggers have decided that they do not want change. They have dug a division trench in the church and decided that your either "our kind" or against us.

"But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers.  James 2:9"

I'm breaking the chain.  My daughter will be taught to accept and learn to love all races. I am going to try my best to raise her not to favorite one skin color over the other.  I want her to know and remember that  she is a daughter of Abraham and has many brothers and sisters.

I am one of them
And So are you
So lets all praise the lord

Peace

I started watching my so caled life on hulu.  A one season drama from 1994.  My softmore year.   The year of obsessing over W.  Its Early 90's at its best.  Other favorite 90's films include  Reality Bites, and Singles.  I remember sitting on a bus bawling because I made W upset.  I think that was the first time I cried over a girl.   I should have told her how I felt, but I didn't.  The obsession continued for a year or so.  Other memories from the 90's.  1993 Jambo.  I learned how to spit. this was the pinnacle of my patriotism, this was also the summer before 9th grade. I remember a lot of hope as i sang along with Lee greenwood.     The past is in the past is in the past.  W and K are long gone.   So is glen middle.  Its rubble.   being a teenager of the 90's has its affect on me.   Emmlaine will turn 13 in 2024.  Some people think a hurt love is the best love.  The romeo and juliet Love you so much I'm going to kill myself.  I think the best love is loving somebody and knowing its the best and the best is yet to come.   I didn't really like the 90's when i was in it.  I idolized the roaring 20's of gatsby and jazz and the free 60's of woodstock and england rock culture.   Who know where we are going.  I hope its better than we've been. 

Me and Rich

So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home   RM- 1988

Like most great artists It seems I missed them in their hayday.  The same goes with Rich Mullins.  Who died in 1997.  This was the year I graduated from high school.   I heard his songs before I knew of the spiritual depth of rich.   The other day "third day" played creed on tbn.  All I could  think about was how rich played with no shoes because he considered himself a ragamuffin.   He played lots of shows, and was probably on church tv.  But for me the Jesus album changed my life.   I listened to it in the chapel endless times.   Rich lead me to brennan manning  and the ragamufin gospel.   In Boy like me man like you he represented the humaness of jesus better than anybody.    In My Deliverer he represented the gospel as a roaring lion.  I really like the verses to Our God is an awesome God  usually we skip over that part of the song.   Rich was very popular but towards the end of his life he seemed to be moving to a more simple life as a Jesus Person.  
<P>
Not much can be said about rich,i'm sure there is more to learn.

Transition

What should you do in the between?  So many times in my life I have said i am waiting for this to happen.  Graduation Marriage New Job. New house.  I keep looking for the next carrot in the road
Instead of waiting to finish I need to run the race well.   I need to enjoy the journey.  The path will teach me.  You cannot have a product without a process.   Peace. Jm

taste and see

Growing up we heard the song "taste and see" sung at mass endless times.  As a child I did not not understand what God meant by this command in psalm 34.  I think its taken me years to understand that the Creator God wants us to Enjoy Life, taste all that is good, See what he has for us.  We celebrate meals as a family, over eat, laugh hard, and fall asleep full of goodness.   God wants us to taste his Glory, Laugh at his blessings, and live life.  Watch Rediscovering Wonder by rob bell on you tube.  Find a blue shovel and Enjoy life.  

Thrown in a well

I heard 2 messages in the last week that spoke on Wells.   Joseph, and Jeremiah.  Joseph a favored son of Jacob was thrown in a well by his brothers. (Gen 37)  Jeremiah was put in a well by king  Zedekiah's. (Jeremiah 38). 
..Both of thees people were doing the right thing and were basically thrown down for this reason.   I've listened to two parts of Andy Stanley's "your move" lesson.  Today he talked about the story that I want to tell.   When I am gone, what store do I want to leave behind?  This is a hard truth to face.   I'm not living the story very well thees days.   My life has too much shallow.   I know a lot, I see a lot, I do little.   I have a lot of excuses.  I had the ceiling dream again.  Its a re-occurring dream where the ceiling is falling down and we must escape before so happens.  I've also dreamed about 2 old-friends loosing children.      While I am not in a well for righteousness I do feel confined.  And I feel like I'm bumping into myself a lot while running in circles.   When I accepted the lord at 17 I was in a mess.  now I'm 32.  A lot of the mess remains.  And will probably forever.  There are things I miss about a young faith.  Expectation for the lord to move, a passionate worship, boldness.  Things I don't miss about a young faith.  Feeling like I was constantly loosing my salvation,  lack of discernment,  being led astray by whack teachers.   So what is really going on?  Not sure exactly.  I lack discipline, faith, and expectation.   I feel like the Holy Spirit is around the corner, and I'm not getting there yet.   But this is mature faith.  Its time to streach my legs because God's God, not because it feels good or there are praises and high fives. 
....The High Fives of Faith are OVER!  God has taken away my cheerleaders.  He is trying to grow this old branch into something new.  I trust the lord because I want to, and because there really isn't anything else I can do.  its who I am, and whom I'm supposed to be.  God has called me.  Its that simple.  

JMC

What to do, Pioneer Club.

My current questions and prayer concern is about pioneer club.  Last year I led the middle school group.  5-15 children, weekly meetings ages 4th grade 9th.  August will be 3 years.  If you were to ask me what my grade was on the year I'd give it a C.Minus.  I've come to wonder if I'm a good teacher, if i have a passion for youth, if I'm being effective.  Is this where God wants me to be plugged into?  I care deeply about the youth.   One of the hardest things to see is how the godless culture has warped itself around the youth.  They see no difference it seems in the "world" and the "church"  I want to be a bridge from the world to the church. 
<p>
Am I a good teacher?   I think this is determined by my preparation.   Sometimes I feel as if I do well and the majority of the time I feel as if I am unprepared and lacking.   I've gotten better.  But I think the youth think I'm a joke, I don't think they respect me very well.   When I blunder I blunder large.  I've had so many activities fall or blow up in my face.   Such as (hide and seek)  After bible study the 1st year We played hide and seek.  This was the worst idea ever.  
<P>
Do I have the passion and drive to rebuild the group and make it the best I can.  The last meeting had 4 people .  I am soo ---unsure.  I'm working again 45 mins away.  we are trying to move, and I don't feel strong enough spiritually to lead.  I feel empty a majority of the time.   I don't feel the support I need.  Selfish jay sun says walk away and quit.  That is the easy answer.
<P>
The harvest is ready, the laborers are few, if not me then who?   Who would step in a fill this gap if i left.   I can't think of anybody.  By the faith force.  Multiple of my kids stepped forward to dedicate them self's to the lord.  After a very trying year, those brave young people inspired me. I was honored to see that.     Nobody with true intentions has ever offered to help in detail with my group  So I have built a fort on youth minister island. Churchers Wave as they drive by 
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Did God use me to make a difference?  What does he want me to do?  When I walked away from S&T.  I wept.  But I knew it was time to move on.  A long time went by until I found a church family.  In that time the easy decision would have been to stay.  God had a different plan.  I consider the time with the youth a privilege.  I will either change or sink.  The transition is coming. So for the next short time 3-4 weeks.  I'm circling this in prayer.   The lord will provide an answer and help me find peace in my decision.  It could be unexpected.   Whatever God helps me with I will follow on his lead.   I am trusting God on this one.   What do you want me to do Lord?  The life verse remains   Psalms 121:1  I Look to the Hills,  From where does my help come from? My Help comes from the lord, the maker of the Heavens and the Earth!

My Dad is Steve My Father is YHWH My Daughter is Emmaline My Beloved is H.