A story about Z

Her name was Z

Her heir was fire

Her eyes my desire

I cried when she left me 

And I chased her across the Land

She left me in a whirlwind I still don't Understand

First Love.  First Kiss.  First Breakup. I met Z or as I called her after she left Texas Heather when I was 15 I believe in the mid 1990s.  Its hard to even say how we met.  It was on a chat app in the early days of the internet and computer chatting.  I remember her user name was DJ3Tempo because she was using her brothers account.  So chat continued. Me in Georgia her in Texas.  And somehow miles away two misfits connected.  We chatted, We wrote letters, sent gifts, talked on the phone until we fall asleep.  It was our weird little long distance storybook love.   She was the 1st person I felt ever loved me.  I wrote songs poems and was hooked on a girl I never met.  Somehow I convinced my parents to drive me to Texas. So we met in person.   We listened to Coltrane and she smelled of carmex lip gloss.  

I loved her. Our love continued.  Later on she moved to georgia.  We went to the same school and she lived with my parents and I for a short while.    It was not good.   I was not good. I didn't love myself and I couldn't be without her.   I had anger issues, depression, trauma and anxiety/.  She had trauma, depression, and other unkown mental instabilities. . We had Jesus.  She was manic, a narcissist and pure red.  We were in an on again off again relationship for about 8 years.  It ended badly.  I couldn't let go. I'll spare you the sleepless in seattle details.   

She always had a place in the back of my mind.   I still Loved her when i was with other people.  She wasn't good for me.   I wasn't good for her.   I was dreaming of the connection we had.  The walks on the beach, the jazz, the lip gloss.   Life's later I found her again.  I looked for her. I don't know why. I did.  I watched her online.  So we reconnected.  We talked about old times.  Said apologies.  We connected.  I'm not proud of it.  

I was in love with Rebecca.  It was during covid.  I don't still know why  let her back in.   But I did.  The week before Rebecca died me and Z talked on the phone for more than an hour. I think mor than once.  Rebecca was busy. I was lonely.    We laughed. I could feel her pull again.   The night Rebecca got sick I was chatting with Z. So instead of taking care of my wife I was entertaining Z.   I'm not sure if I told her or not. If I did I didn't tell her fully.   I was being drawn in.   I was not a good man.  I emotionally cheated on Rebecca with 2 women.   I let 2 other women give me something I didn't look for in her.  I told her they were friends.  But one was a love lost and the other was a love desired.  After Rebecca died I talked with Z.  I cried she told me a story.  She wanted to pull back.  I sent her an e-mail telling her I couldn't be friends with her.   I deleted it.  Its been 5 years since we have spoken.  She's still here.  In my mind.   I don't know what she did to me.  But It goes way back.  I don't understand why our love was so hard.  Why I couldn't let go. I didn't love myself.  I let her do anything.  She was ill.  I don't know the lesson to learn.  But Love is dicey.  The heart goes where it goes.   

But I have learned to not loose myself to anyone.   I no longer chase the best I can.  I love myself.  

So to Z.  I am grateful of our epic story.  I am thankful you loved me when I didn't think anyone else did.   No one but me and her know our story and like all best ones its better that way.

To Z.  One in a million.  Sweet on the vine like strawberry wine.  

Dear Butterfly

 Dear butterfly.. I see you 

Hope you're doing well  today..

Do you think your opening closed doors? 

 

Here's something I've learned about opening doors.  Sometimes those open doors want to be closed by the past.. but it's already been opened.. you just have to Walk through it ..

The past doesn't want you to change.. but you already have.. 

You could not have become a butterfly without the cocoon... So fly and shine..

I promise it's worth it.  Nothing not examined.. Turn every stone..

Anger generally raises when the past doesn't want the change.. But you have changed and you see changing.. Anger cannot win over change.. it may slow you down but change always will win when it becomes the goal. 

So be the butterfly you are..

Blue Eyes Crying in the rain

With the kindness of a sledgehammer, you came into my view

I didn't know what to think of you but I did have a clue.

This person, we'll call her the one that never was, came like a hurricane, occupied my mind, crushed my heart and left me wanting more. 

Here's the thing about narcissists, when you are in their orbit it's bliss.  But the distance is crushing.  Its always on their terms.  Yes I fell for her, yes she was far away, yes I lied to her. I was wrong I'm sorry and I love you.   I still do. Not romantically, but the type of love you have for  a place you once were at.  I don't really know why she occupied so much of my mind space or  why she left me wanting more then a hey or distant conversations.  It was just something about that face. She was messy, opinionated, and pure red.  But something about those puppy dog blue eyes crying in the rain. It started innocent and I fell hard.  I had no intentions but I remember when we were friends. When the grief came i fell harder, and then before I knew she was gone. A lie broke her heart while she was breaking mine.  I'm sorry. I should have told her the truth. I wrote a song about her I'm working on releasing.   I learned a lot about myself from her driving me insane.  There still is a piece of her in my mind and heart. Not sure exactly why. I'm still processing it.  I haven't seen her in over 2 years.  Just something.   It is what it was.  I am not sure.  This person has left me with lots of confusion. I see the red flags and I for a long time wanted more.  I learned that empaths occupy and encourage and entertain narcissists.  She was one.  I don't hate her. I just want her beyond obsession.  I would have left everything for her.  I didn't.  She rejected me over and over and I finally got the gist.  I am moving foward 

a bump in the road, a moment of weakness, a sorrowful heart wanting attention. Yes.  I will no longer chase. I will no longer fret continually. I will learn from mistakes and try my best not to get wrapped up again with the one that never was.

peace

JM

The power to captivate

 Have u ever experienced a speaker who can captivate? Someone who can hold an audience... People with certain energies have learned the ability to basically hypnotize the audience..

They can put the crowd in a trance...They can ride them and fall them..

I experienced this today hearing a RC Bishop speak at a high church service..

I disassociated and became an overseer outside myself to watch this dance occur.  It was captivating.. he could have took them anywhere 

Sometimes energy and Spirit places me in awe... Seeing this was an awefilled experience 

✌️🐸 Jmc